Spring Break

So it's been like two weeks since spring break, but I told myself I wouldn't write about it until after, and then I pushed it back night after night. Anyway, it was a pretty eventful week, to say the least. I went to a few parties, ran from a few cops, and had a good time. Found out that Becca has to go for away for a while, and that kind of sucks. I don't know her that well, but she's still a friend and she's shared a lot with me.

Umm, this kid Jake fought my friend one on one and won, but when they fought again he got his ass beat so he grabbed a brick and hit elijah with it. So we were walking down the street that sunday and his brother came up talking shit, so a bunch of the south troy boys I know showed up, but John said he told the kid it was over, so unless he starts it again, we're not going to make John look like a liar.

Umm, before that my brother invited us out to a party in Averill Park, and we all went to enjoy ourselves. I knew everybody there, until the kid's friend and his gf showed up. These people were fucking racist out the ass. The one kid kept calling my friend a halfbreed and ended up calling him a nigger, so we were about to fight him drunk, which we realized we couldn't so chris tried to have his friend drive out with a gun, and I wouldn't let that happen so we just let it go for the night, we'd still fight him though.
That same night I almost fought my brother because he invited Becca and I was talking to her and he called me over and called me a scumbag and acted like I was cbing him or something. Idk, that pissed me off. When we all decided to leave, he was like "fight me now" and shit and I told him no because I was drunk, and that if he keeps getting the same attitude I'm going to fight him every day till I best him and beat some sense into him.

Idk much else that happened. We almost go arrested for stupid shit, and just had a good time. probably the best spring break I've had.

Busy Bee.....

I started my short story. It's the first one that I've written in a while, and I didn't get too far, but I have a general idea of where it's headed. It's not going to be too great, but if I can get some constructive criticism on it, then I should be able to make the rest better.

Today in general was pretty weird. If I didn't already know that I care too much, I would've realized it today. This morning I left school early because my friend was upset and wanted to walk home. I walked her all the way to South Troy and still managed to make it back before first was all but over. By fourth period I'd agreed to help my friend's sister by babysitting her kids, whom I owe nothing too. I got a phone call from a friend I've never actually met, because she got robbed and apparently didn't know who else to call, or was calling everybody, idk. I tried to talk her through it and I think I helped at least a little, but only time will tell. I had an tension filled conversation with Kayla, who you'd think I wouldn't have any reason to help, but I did anyway. I reestablished contact with somebody who I had stopped talking to entirely over some girl. Idk the point of listing all that, but I felt it was needed. Now the next step, start brainstorming with some people on how to solve some of my problems, any takers?

The Great Divide...

So, my two groups of friends, and I know thats slightly bad to say but it's the truth, don't seem to be working together too well. A couple of my friends from around here, South Troy, have been cracking jokes about how my other friends are "too good" for them, or how I'm "better than the rest of us" and shit like that, and I'm tired of it. Chris especially has been leading the charge on this pointless crusade, and he doesn't see his shining failure. Not all that long ago I brought Chris, and sadly Lou, to Kristen's with me, and this kid just acted weird. Chris is one of my best friends and mad cool when he's just relaxed and shit, but when he got there he was just mad quite and talked to Lou the whole time, who also was saying very little, but still more than Chris. What he doesn't seem to get is that I don't think any group is better, considering how much more I defend him and my other friends than the friends that I hangout with from school. I simply realize who would get along with who. Britanny would not get along with chris unless he could stfu about weed and be how he used to be, which was so much cooler. Lou can't get along with other friends because he hasn't yet grown up, and that bugs me so much. I won't introduce Kaylee to half my friends because all that they're going to try to do is fuck her, and she does not need anybody else feeding her ego. It's the same with most of my female friends, because nobody know how to stop worrying about getting laid and just be fucking friends with somebody. They're always asking me to invite these girls to parties, but they have no idea how fast I'd knock them the fuck out if they did anything to one of them. I don't like sluts really, so why would I be friends with any?

I don't really know the point to this, but I needed to get it out. I'm trying to hold my friends together and I'm already noticing that they're drifting apart, and I don't have enough time to hold them all in place. Now the only problem is to make the painfully inevitable choice; who do I let go?

In the woods....

I haven't posted in a while, so tonights as good as any time.

I went to a party at the "pit" tonight, and it was pretty fun. Granted, I went with some kids I don't know too well, and Lou who isn't the type you want hovering near you at a party, but it was still fun. I'd heard about these parties a thousand times, and just decided it wasn't worth it, that's not my crowd, but I'm not sure. Though I didn't know most of the kids there personally, I knew who they were, and knew enough kids to enjoy myself. I watched a rap battle, and a real fight which was completely unnessecary and entirely entertaining regardless. Watched a bunch of friends be entirely amused by the simplest things, which is the greatest thing in the world to do. Lou thought got a little drunk off of a beer and a half and a swig of rum, and I wanted to push him in the fire for some of his childish antics. There was almost a huge fight before the small one that did happen, and the cops almost showed up, but never did. It was fun though, next time I go though, I'm going with more friends that I can just chill with. I'll probably bring chris and a couple of our mutual friends. I mean, I'd much rather just chill with some of my other friends, but it's still pretty fun.

Stand off...

Okay, just need to vent. I realized the truth today. About how people tend to manipulate, lie to, and put down their friends. I realized today and yesterday just how much I've done it, and I feel like the biggest dick in the world. For some reason though, I feel like it's worse to sit there and let somebody trash your friends and not say something, and it is for you to say something. Not saying that it's okay to talk shit about your own friend, but you should always be able to stand up for them. I've been doing that lately, and I'm happy about that. People tend to put down my friends, not realizing that they themselves are my friends. Honestly, if you say something about one of them, don't you think that something has been said about you? So it's kind of devolved into this cycle of conflict, with nobody getting along without conflict, and bickering at every turn. I don't care though. I've started standing up for people more than I ever did, and I've noticed how much people start biting their tongues. It's not like they don't feel the same way, but at least it's stopped something.

Idk. I just realized that the friends of mine that people put down tend to be the ones who are willing to do the most for me. Like, friendA puts down friendB, but friendB would actually be more willing to stand beside me if I needed help. Fuck everybody who doesn't like my friends. They're better people than you for the most part, and even if they aren't, they're people regardless, so shut the fuck up. Circumstances put us into the situations we find ourselves in, so put yourself in their shoes and see how you manage, I promise that you fall flat on your faces and break that upturned nose of yours....

Woooooooooaaaahhhhh....

This is all pretty confusing, in a good way though. I've been talking about trying to get a girlfriend, one that I can trust and still be happy with, and it seems to be panning out. So though I'm not sure what to do, especially how to deal with this one girl without being an asshole, it seems like it's going to be a pretty fun time. I have other stuff that I want to post, but I'm getting yelled at to get off the computer, so I'll post another entry later. I'm just in a good mood.

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood...

I'm in the oddest mood ever, and I love it. It's happened dozens of times before, and I love it each time. Like once in a blue mood I just get like crazy hyper and just go nuts, and I fucking love it. I hate the fact that most of my friends don't see this side of me though, because it's so fun. Only my closest friends, and people I don't give a damn about have really seen it, and even some of my close friends haven't. It's honestly me not wanting to deal with the embarressment, because I act like a complete fool, but I wish I could just shake that off and go nuts. Like, this mood makes even the simplest things fun/funny, and that's the most amazing thing. A conversation about nothing today somehow turned into this interesting conversation about anything and everything and nothing, all at the same time. This probably makes no sense to anybody who will ever read this but I really don't care, my energy has to go into something.

On a rather noticeably different note, Kristen said the single most enlightening thing about girls the other night. We were talking about a bunch of random shit, pretty much just because we were both bored, and I started to go on this rant about how girls go for assholes, and never see the nice guys, and what she said was this; "...The challenge is to try and change the asshole into the nice guy they want but can't 'find'. And they never realize they cant succeed, and then they fall in 'love' and settle for nothing because they think they'll never find anything 'better' ". I think that that is indeed the most honest/believable thing to ever come out of a girls mouth about girls. Like really, what is so appealing about an asshole? I mean, I used to be one and I didn't even like the way I was, so I changed, stopped hanging with that group of friends, and changed the way I was. The irony of this whole situation however is that that group of friends is with whatever girl they want to be with.

Fuck it though, still in a great mood. :)

It's all quite on this front.....

I'm down at my uncles right now, visiting him and Maddix, as well as the dog lol. They all seem pretty good. Maddi was excited to see me, which I was extremely happy for, but there was a slightly uneasy undertone to one event today. Trew came down with her mom to drop Maddix off, and the whole time I couldn't help but notice, hell even feel, the emotions being traded between my uncle and Trew. They both seemed like the had hope that things could work out, but at the same time I sensed that feeling that, at least in one of their minds, the chances were slim and still dwindling. I really hope that things work out with them, but it seems good enough for now.

On a different note, everything with my friends seems to be... stable. I mean, there hasn't been any major fighting between me and them, aside from my whole peace-keeping role with the Dorian and Lou fiasco. However, I've begun to notice slight rifts forming between me and a few friends. We're drifting already, and I don't like it. Certain ones I can honestly say I don't care about, but others I do. I've also noticed amazing opportunities presenting themselves to me, but I'm hesitant to act. If I do, it will be a good thing in my eye, at least in the short run, but I can see them having larger effects later on. I don't know, I need advice and I can't find the right people to ask. The ones I want to talk to about it, are the ones that are either involved in it somehow, or ones I don't want to know about the decisions. It's all amazingly confusing, but I'll figure it out.

And none of this is meant to sound like whining. Honestly, it's venting and the fact that I'm trying to keep this thing as up to date as possible.

Infighting

I'm finding that I may have to lose a couple people standing up for one that I haven't exactly gotten along with. Honestly, inside the group of people I hangout with, I'm usually the mediator. Now my brother and my best friend have been acting like complete assholes to Lou. I know me and him don't always see eye to eye, but I have to do something. They are, as my one friend so eloquently stated, "A couple of egomaniacs". They think they are better than everyone for several reasons. My brother thinks he's better because he's that physical jock type of kid, and he thinks his muscles will get him anything from a girl, to a victory in a fight. My best friend seems to think because he spent one semester at college, he's so much wiser than me. Now the kid isn't dumb, and I'm as pissed as him that he couldn't finish, but he is in no way smarter than me.
Anyway, this whole thing started, like most petty arguments, over a girl. Lou recently got back in touch with an old friend from years ago, and made plans to meet up. Now my brother, being the cocky prick that he is, and my best friend decided that they would go with him, "secretly" planning to try to steel this girl away from Lou. When I stood up for him and called my brother a cocky bastard, both of them, including my best friend, turned it around on me. They began to insult me; calling me gay because I haven't tried to fuck every female friend I have, a future failure just because their plans didn't work out as they wanted, and just all sorts of that bullshit. Well, I'm done with it. Me and Lou argue as much as any friends may, but he has always been there. Hell, when my oldest brother had nowhere else to turn, Lou took him in! Idk what the point of this is, I guess I just needed to get it out somehow. I hope I can do this without alienating my best friend, but if that's what it takes to make him realize what he's become over the last year, then it is going to happen.

Yeahhh

So last night was pretty fun. Kristen bought tickets to a show just to see one band, but I understand why cause they were pretty good. We got to make fun of emo people, and I got to feel very weird with Kristen dancing and knowing EVERY fucking word lol. Idk, it was fun. I was the replacement for lemon pretty much, and it was only my second show, but I had fun. I want to go to something like idk... not hardcore or anything, but just a little bit like that? Like I want to go to one where EVERYONE is excited to be there and is jumping all around, and just has massive amounts of energy to use. Whatever, it was fun, the floor didn't cave in, and we didn't get stabbed, so it all worked out fine.

It's a curious thing...

The way people fret over trust, you would think you could have some faith in them, ya know? It's kind of funny in a way though. I know who I can actually trust, and to what degree I can trust them, but some people seem to view it differently. These people seem to think that you trusting them means that they know that much more about you, but still give you little or no trust in return, and some of them seem to think if you trust them that you're a fan of some sort. These people act like they are that one level above you, and that you simply admire them, rather than see them as they are. I hope that in the long run, these people can get their angled noses out from their own asses. Frankly, it doesn't hurt me, but I just realized this. The people who I've always seen as like to good for me or something like that based on my background, actually aren't. The simple fact that they think they are better than others, for whatever reason it may be, is the exact same reason that they are like this. It's a simple observation, and I hope that eventually these people will realize that they're fucking up, because I've noticed that when I did this to a couple people, I eventually realized that I was a dick, and that they were fine the way they are.

It was unexpected really...

I chose today, being the obvious choice, for the day that I would just sit back and relax. Now it was a pretty normal day; I got dropped off at home at like 10, went to lou's for a bit, then just decided to come home and block out everything else. So I spent most of my day just reading my book, playing a game for a bit, and finishing off my cigs because I want to quit and if they're in the house, I'm gonna wanna smoke em. So anyway, it was pretty boring all day, until around 10ish i believe, I'm not even positive as to what time it actually was. But I just felt this like wave of relief and joy all of a sudden. You see, I'd had this nagging feeling all day that I'd either done something wrong, or wasn't doing something I should've been. But that whole like wave thing just hit me and suddenly a lot of things made sense for no reason. I was now in one of the best moods of my life, which I decided to bug the hell out of my uncle and share that information with him, and I understood a few things that had been nagging at me, completely erasing that feeling from me. Idk, long story short; I'm in the greatest mood, though exhausted, and I plan on keep it like this for as long as I can possibly hold on to the feeling. There are a few things I have to face this week and in the near future that may dampen this feeling off.... elation, but as long as I've got this feeling, I'm gonna do pretty damn good. :)

Taken...

Was a great fucking movie. It's honestly better than anybody would think, but I'm not telling any parts. So yeah, me Dorian and Keith went to see it yesterday because Dorian had movie passes, and we had mad fun. We went to the Walmart, and the PetSmart or whatever and I discovered something at both places; you can play music with fish. I know it sounds weird, but I noticed that when you tap the fishtank, the fish scatter. So if you tap it enough, you can get what appears to be a musical number. It didn't work so well at Walmart, where only three of the tanks' fish would respond, but considering that PetSmart has about 30 or so fish tanks, I was playing fucking Mozart lol. I know this seems like the most pointless blog in the world, because it is. However, I'm bored and I said that I'd try to keep posting, so whatever fits, fits.

Oh, on a side note. Somebody was pranking my dad's phone last night, but saying shit that can land you in jail, and he Honestly thought it was fucking me. It seemed like he expected me to say the fucked up shit that they were hearing. Family is one of the most important things to me, so I just see anybody messing with them as directly disrespecting me, I honestly can't believe I got blamed for it. Just fucked up.

Do I Need A Title?

So overall, yesterday was pretty fun. I left school after 5th period cause Dorian and Keith were outside and we all wanted to chill. We stopped by Lou's for a bit until Keith had to get back to HVCC for class, so me and Dorian decided to go with him. I tried to get Dorian to gather some courage and go do something, but he doubted himself and now has a new regret because he didn't. Ummmm.... we chilled at Keith's house for a few hours until he got out of work, during which time we had the funniest game of air hockey imaginable, watched a funny ass movie, and a set of twins decided it'd be funny to call me while I was stuck in poestenkill! lol. So anyway, after that we went to taco bell, which looking back was not the best idea, because everybody seemed to want Taco Bell in their stomachs to drink. So we met up with Chris and decided to have a few drinks, which was just hilarious. You really do learn a LOT about people when they're drinking. I don't know, this all just seems like it was a rant. But at the end of that night, I remembered exactly why I'd sworn off certain things....

Oh, on a completely different note, I seem to be having a dilemma. Now, it's probably the oldest, and simplest, thing is the world, but I can't figure it out. As always, it's about a girl. Now the thing is this girl has pretty much everything I look for in a girl, as well as a few things that would just make it more interesting. The problem is that, based on several different factors, I know that nothing is going to come from it. My questions would be; would it be better to just tell her and get it out of the way, sticking to that little thing of no regrets I mentioned before, or just let it go since I know the chance of something ever happening between the two of us would be like 10%. Help me out, cause even if you read this post a while from now, this is not the first time I've had this dilemma so your opinion will still help.

Simple Observation...

I just realized something about music. It's been around for thousands of years and has been used for anything from a form of communication to the most obvious use of entertainment, but recently is the cause of so many petty arguments. Main stream is generally the set of music accepted by the majority of listeners, as well as those that don't have/take the time to look for better music too much. With that said, why is it that so many people trash others over music? Like, those who take the time and find alternate music tend to see themselves as more music savvy. I for one do not take the time to look for other music, which has resulted in me getting into arguments with several people that think I listen to "crappy" music just because I haven't heard of "Generic Band X", or "We play the Same Shit2". lol. Honestly, I love music, I just never have the time to look for other sources, and it's been that way for a while. Idk, one other thing I noticed is that people love to trash people who just listen to different genres of music. Like, I used to HATE rap and make fun of anybody who listened to only it, but I've realized for a while now that they can listen to whatever they want. Say you listen to more hardcore music or something, and somebody asks you why you listen to it, what do you say? You would explain to them that you like the music, like the meaning of the words themselves, like the instrumentals, all of that. So why make fun of them if they listen to rap or r&b or something? Everybody listens to music for the same reasons, and I really wish people would stop bitching over it and just enjoy it again.

Whats so complicated about it?

For some reason, it's still happening. The drama that is High School continues on, understandably so to some extent, but this isn't exactly what I'm referring to. What I'm wondering is how everybody who says that they don't life two-faced people, that they don't like people talking about them behind their backs, and that they try not to judge people, seem to be the harshest of them all? I'm talking about the people who you can tell to their face that you don't like what they're doing and they accept it, apologize to you, talk to you fine, and then put the crosshairs right down your back once you start to walk away. I'm not going to sit here and be like "Oh, I don't care what people thing about me", because I think that's retarded. Honestly, if you don't know be and you want to talk shit then you're obviously insecure and nobody is going to care what you have to say anyway. However, when somebody that you trust and converse with all the time goes and starts saying shit about you, especially to mutual friends who will tell you, isn't that going to sting at least a little bit?

All I'm saying is that people should be a little more honest. If I don't like you, I might bite my tongue and be civil with you while around a mutual friend, but I'm sure as hell not going to make you think we're friends, and you're going to know I don't like you. The truth does hurt, but you should be willing to deal the minor pain of informing somebody how you feel, rather than the more serious complications involved with being a lying little kid.

If you think I'm ever being a hypocrite, let me know.

I wonder...

How we managed to pull it off. My family went out to dinner last night. An odd assortment of people, ranging from me and my sister, to my parents, to my dad's fiance' and their kid. It didn't go too bad, but it could've been better. Everytime I sit down with my family I discover at least one thing that I really don't like. Now, I'm not trying to say that I personally try to pick a fight or something, but they make it obvious. For instance, I discovered that my sister has no table manners, if at a place as simple as where we were, and when she removed her jacket, I noticed another set of scars that looked like a very deformed attempt at carving a smiley or something of the like into skin. Correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't there curves in a face? Anyway, another thing that bugged the hell out of me was my mom having a short conversation on her phone at the table, now granted sam called while I was there(don't even start the jokes britanny), but I told her I couldn't talk and that was the end of it. Idk the point of this really, it just seemed odd to be that after years, my family is still the most disfunctional group of people around.

Capture the future...

I just thought this was interesting and wanted to right about it real quick. Yesterday I was chatting with my friend Dorian, and I told him that I'd been givin an assignment to write a page of advice to my future kid. I explained my reasoning for not entirely understanding it, I mean how do you give advice to someone when you haven't been givin any yourself? But long story short he came up with what I think is an amazingly clever idea. He suggested that we use his new camera to record video messages of ourselves. These videos will be both for us to remember ourselves while we were carefree teenagers who just wanted to have fun, and to show our kids how me used to be. Honestly, you could criticize this plan all you want, but I think it's a great idea, and we're going through with it. :)

The step before the jump is the hardest....

I have very little what this is honestly about. I've been thinking about graduation and all that jazz, and it just got me down. Like I know I'm not going to turn out like my parents, siblings, or any part of my extended family(in a bad way I mean), but it still gets me thinking. I have my plan, and though it may not be as extravagant as I'd like it to be, or as some of my friends' plans are, it works for me and that's all that will ever matter. I've found a way for me to become something that I WILL excel at, and I'm so glad for that. With three steps, two years apiece, I'm going to become something far better than anybody would have ever expected. There are places I want to go, and I plan on seeing them. I know everybody dreams when they're young, and most people don't ever accomplish those dreams, but I know I can. Three of the main things I want to do are; travel to Ireland, travel to Germany and I want to see something that completely changes my perspective as to how I compare amonst the other like 6.5 billion souls in this world. I've told only one person that before, and I'm not quite sure why, but now whoever happens to stumble across this will know.

Idk. I know my steps and that's all that matters. But I am honestly more scared than I've ever been in my entire life, and I've had some uncertain times. I really don't want to lose touch with everyone, that part is going to change me a lot, I already know it. I don't think I'll be able to be quite as fun-loving a person as I am now. The main thing that I'm hating at the moment is the fact that as I get closer to people that I actually trust and would love to know for years and years, we're already preparing to go our seperate ways. It really sucks. There are good aspects I suppose. Like, for what I want to do I can't be tied to any one place for too long. If I do this the way I plan, I'll be ready to start my life at 24, and if I get all those things done, or at least some so that I have something to look forward to, I should be good by 26. Still young and ready to go.

I don't plan on doing the same thing everybody else does and just you know, go to college for 2-4 years and then settle in. It's HVCC for two years, transfer to a four year school for the last two too get my degree in political science, possibly serve two years in the military, which would fill more than one gap that I need to fill, and then taking all the money I have and taking off for Europe. I'm going to see what I have enough for, then coming back to the states to start my career in politics. Yeah, I'll be starting a little late, which is going to leave me retiring late, but I would gladly work a few more years rather than go through all those years without the feeling of accomplishment that's going to come with what I want to do.

I'm planning on living a life with no regrets. And I don't care how far off it is, I'm raising my kids the same way. Dream big, dream vividly, and then live those dreams. : )

A little bit about me...

I am an odd person, and there isn't a single aquaintance of mine who can argue against that fully. I'm full of hope, though the harsh reality of the fact is that that hope is constantly marred and doused by the things I have to face. Now I'm not an emo person or something, so this is not me proclaiming my love for selfdestruction. lol. I find all the small things funny, and often find myself in trouble for laughing at times when others are at their most serious. I can make almost anybody laugh, no matter who they are. My views on the world most likely don't stand parrallel to yours, and you have no idea how happy that fact makes me. I like living just outside the norm, because if you haven't noticed, the norm has gotten us into a shit load of trouble throughout history, especially now. I feel sorry for the rich, and envy them a little all at the same time. I envy the fact that they never have to worry about their needs being met, but at the same time I feel sorry that they haven't had to struggle through any part of their lives, because those times really craft you into the person you are. I love my family, though you'd have a long road ahead of you if you were trying to get my to admit that openly. The one thing I honestly HATE is when I'm trying to talk to somebody and the completely ignore me. Lying is a close second, but say I ask if you want to hangout and you have other plans, TELL ME instead of just stop responding. Trust me, I'm not going to go cry myself to sleep, your life and attention is not worth it, I'm probably just trying to make conversation. Idk, I really can't think right now, so that's going to be all I think.

If you ever want to know anything at all, then all you have to do is ask me. If I know I can trust you, then I will hide nothing from you. But trust me, if you don't ask the question, you're not just going to get that information. I love answering questions, and asking em. lol. No idea why.

I AM: One of the best people you will ever meet, period.
I STAND FOR: Fairness above all else, and an equal chance for every person to make the difference in the world that they are capable of.
I HOPE: That I will accomplish all the long term and short term goals that I have set for myself. I'm going to raise myself above the crowd and bring all those I love and care about with me.

A simple wish...

(This may be a rant...)

One of the most important people in my entire life, was, and still is, my Grandfather Fred. He was always around for us when we were little, the best babysitter in the world quite frankly(excuse the pun). Anyway, he thought us, me especially, ideals that helped shape me into who I am today. I loved that man to death, regardless of my intial reaction at his death, which I still see as odd to this day. But anyway, my point is that he helped me, through his life and his death, to become the person I am today. My mom has told me I remind her of him a hundred times over, and my uncle has made mention of it as well. I think it's just an extra perk that if you look at a picture of him in his youth, the resemblence is uncanny.

But the real thing I want to get out there is that I see myself as his pupil in a sense. His ideals were passed to me and help guide me through life, and in the same way, I hope that I will be able to guide yet another child of this bloodline, my cousin Maddix.

I am with this kid so often that 'babysitter' hardly justifies it. I'm not afraid to say that I love this little kid to death, and would gladly fuck up anybody who tried to even scare him. My wish is simple, and yet difficult all at the same time. I wish that I will be able to pass on to him my ideals, and to influence him in the way that my Grandfather influenced me. Now, not to talk grimly, I hope I don't have to die to have quite the same effect, but I would do anything for this little dood. lol

A sudden Realization.

I've been told a hundred different times that I should stop messing around with random girls, and I'm starting to see the truth in it. Now, in my defense, there really aren't that many girls that fit this description that I've messed around with, but "too many" is still a fitting number. I realize that I'm tired of dealing with the repetitive sneaking about. At no point should I have become talented at this...game. I always end up walking that thin line that borders on the edge of getting caught. I know how to say things without speaking anymore, make stories seem completely legit through a complicated web of lies, and I'm tried of it.

But you see, there's always a catch. What I'm doing here is taking whatever lands in my lap. Whenever I like a girl, like truly have feelings for them, it doesn't work out. There's this one girl that I'd liked for the longest time, but I realized, not all that long ago, that it's never going to turn into anything. It's these results that leave me back at square one. I plan on getting rid of this cycle, but sadly, I seem to be stuck here for a while