Do I Need A Title?

So overall, yesterday was pretty fun. I left school after 5th period cause Dorian and Keith were outside and we all wanted to chill. We stopped by Lou's for a bit until Keith had to get back to HVCC for class, so me and Dorian decided to go with him. I tried to get Dorian to gather some courage and go do something, but he doubted himself and now has a new regret because he didn't. Ummmm.... we chilled at Keith's house for a few hours until he got out of work, during which time we had the funniest game of air hockey imaginable, watched a funny ass movie, and a set of twins decided it'd be funny to call me while I was stuck in poestenkill! lol. So anyway, after that we went to taco bell, which looking back was not the best idea, because everybody seemed to want Taco Bell in their stomachs to drink. So we met up with Chris and decided to have a few drinks, which was just hilarious. You really do learn a LOT about people when they're drinking. I don't know, this all just seems like it was a rant. But at the end of that night, I remembered exactly why I'd sworn off certain things....

Oh, on a completely different note, I seem to be having a dilemma. Now, it's probably the oldest, and simplest, thing is the world, but I can't figure it out. As always, it's about a girl. Now the thing is this girl has pretty much everything I look for in a girl, as well as a few things that would just make it more interesting. The problem is that, based on several different factors, I know that nothing is going to come from it. My questions would be; would it be better to just tell her and get it out of the way, sticking to that little thing of no regrets I mentioned before, or just let it go since I know the chance of something ever happening between the two of us would be like 10%. Help me out, cause even if you read this post a while from now, this is not the first time I've had this dilemma so your opinion will still help.

Simple Observation...

I just realized something about music. It's been around for thousands of years and has been used for anything from a form of communication to the most obvious use of entertainment, but recently is the cause of so many petty arguments. Main stream is generally the set of music accepted by the majority of listeners, as well as those that don't have/take the time to look for better music too much. With that said, why is it that so many people trash others over music? Like, those who take the time and find alternate music tend to see themselves as more music savvy. I for one do not take the time to look for other music, which has resulted in me getting into arguments with several people that think I listen to "crappy" music just because I haven't heard of "Generic Band X", or "We play the Same Shit2". lol. Honestly, I love music, I just never have the time to look for other sources, and it's been that way for a while. Idk, one other thing I noticed is that people love to trash people who just listen to different genres of music. Like, I used to HATE rap and make fun of anybody who listened to only it, but I've realized for a while now that they can listen to whatever they want. Say you listen to more hardcore music or something, and somebody asks you why you listen to it, what do you say? You would explain to them that you like the music, like the meaning of the words themselves, like the instrumentals, all of that. So why make fun of them if they listen to rap or r&b or something? Everybody listens to music for the same reasons, and I really wish people would stop bitching over it and just enjoy it again.

Whats so complicated about it?

For some reason, it's still happening. The drama that is High School continues on, understandably so to some extent, but this isn't exactly what I'm referring to. What I'm wondering is how everybody who says that they don't life two-faced people, that they don't like people talking about them behind their backs, and that they try not to judge people, seem to be the harshest of them all? I'm talking about the people who you can tell to their face that you don't like what they're doing and they accept it, apologize to you, talk to you fine, and then put the crosshairs right down your back once you start to walk away. I'm not going to sit here and be like "Oh, I don't care what people thing about me", because I think that's retarded. Honestly, if you don't know be and you want to talk shit then you're obviously insecure and nobody is going to care what you have to say anyway. However, when somebody that you trust and converse with all the time goes and starts saying shit about you, especially to mutual friends who will tell you, isn't that going to sting at least a little bit?

All I'm saying is that people should be a little more honest. If I don't like you, I might bite my tongue and be civil with you while around a mutual friend, but I'm sure as hell not going to make you think we're friends, and you're going to know I don't like you. The truth does hurt, but you should be willing to deal the minor pain of informing somebody how you feel, rather than the more serious complications involved with being a lying little kid.

If you think I'm ever being a hypocrite, let me know.

I wonder...

How we managed to pull it off. My family went out to dinner last night. An odd assortment of people, ranging from me and my sister, to my parents, to my dad's fiance' and their kid. It didn't go too bad, but it could've been better. Everytime I sit down with my family I discover at least one thing that I really don't like. Now, I'm not trying to say that I personally try to pick a fight or something, but they make it obvious. For instance, I discovered that my sister has no table manners, if at a place as simple as where we were, and when she removed her jacket, I noticed another set of scars that looked like a very deformed attempt at carving a smiley or something of the like into skin. Correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't there curves in a face? Anyway, another thing that bugged the hell out of me was my mom having a short conversation on her phone at the table, now granted sam called while I was there(don't even start the jokes britanny), but I told her I couldn't talk and that was the end of it. Idk the point of this really, it just seemed odd to be that after years, my family is still the most disfunctional group of people around.

Capture the future...

I just thought this was interesting and wanted to right about it real quick. Yesterday I was chatting with my friend Dorian, and I told him that I'd been givin an assignment to write a page of advice to my future kid. I explained my reasoning for not entirely understanding it, I mean how do you give advice to someone when you haven't been givin any yourself? But long story short he came up with what I think is an amazingly clever idea. He suggested that we use his new camera to record video messages of ourselves. These videos will be both for us to remember ourselves while we were carefree teenagers who just wanted to have fun, and to show our kids how me used to be. Honestly, you could criticize this plan all you want, but I think it's a great idea, and we're going through with it. :)

The step before the jump is the hardest....

I have very little what this is honestly about. I've been thinking about graduation and all that jazz, and it just got me down. Like I know I'm not going to turn out like my parents, siblings, or any part of my extended family(in a bad way I mean), but it still gets me thinking. I have my plan, and though it may not be as extravagant as I'd like it to be, or as some of my friends' plans are, it works for me and that's all that will ever matter. I've found a way for me to become something that I WILL excel at, and I'm so glad for that. With three steps, two years apiece, I'm going to become something far better than anybody would have ever expected. There are places I want to go, and I plan on seeing them. I know everybody dreams when they're young, and most people don't ever accomplish those dreams, but I know I can. Three of the main things I want to do are; travel to Ireland, travel to Germany and I want to see something that completely changes my perspective as to how I compare amonst the other like 6.5 billion souls in this world. I've told only one person that before, and I'm not quite sure why, but now whoever happens to stumble across this will know.

Idk. I know my steps and that's all that matters. But I am honestly more scared than I've ever been in my entire life, and I've had some uncertain times. I really don't want to lose touch with everyone, that part is going to change me a lot, I already know it. I don't think I'll be able to be quite as fun-loving a person as I am now. The main thing that I'm hating at the moment is the fact that as I get closer to people that I actually trust and would love to know for years and years, we're already preparing to go our seperate ways. It really sucks. There are good aspects I suppose. Like, for what I want to do I can't be tied to any one place for too long. If I do this the way I plan, I'll be ready to start my life at 24, and if I get all those things done, or at least some so that I have something to look forward to, I should be good by 26. Still young and ready to go.

I don't plan on doing the same thing everybody else does and just you know, go to college for 2-4 years and then settle in. It's HVCC for two years, transfer to a four year school for the last two too get my degree in political science, possibly serve two years in the military, which would fill more than one gap that I need to fill, and then taking all the money I have and taking off for Europe. I'm going to see what I have enough for, then coming back to the states to start my career in politics. Yeah, I'll be starting a little late, which is going to leave me retiring late, but I would gladly work a few more years rather than go through all those years without the feeling of accomplishment that's going to come with what I want to do.

I'm planning on living a life with no regrets. And I don't care how far off it is, I'm raising my kids the same way. Dream big, dream vividly, and then live those dreams. : )

A little bit about me...

I am an odd person, and there isn't a single aquaintance of mine who can argue against that fully. I'm full of hope, though the harsh reality of the fact is that that hope is constantly marred and doused by the things I have to face. Now I'm not an emo person or something, so this is not me proclaiming my love for selfdestruction. lol. I find all the small things funny, and often find myself in trouble for laughing at times when others are at their most serious. I can make almost anybody laugh, no matter who they are. My views on the world most likely don't stand parrallel to yours, and you have no idea how happy that fact makes me. I like living just outside the norm, because if you haven't noticed, the norm has gotten us into a shit load of trouble throughout history, especially now. I feel sorry for the rich, and envy them a little all at the same time. I envy the fact that they never have to worry about their needs being met, but at the same time I feel sorry that they haven't had to struggle through any part of their lives, because those times really craft you into the person you are. I love my family, though you'd have a long road ahead of you if you were trying to get my to admit that openly. The one thing I honestly HATE is when I'm trying to talk to somebody and the completely ignore me. Lying is a close second, but say I ask if you want to hangout and you have other plans, TELL ME instead of just stop responding. Trust me, I'm not going to go cry myself to sleep, your life and attention is not worth it, I'm probably just trying to make conversation. Idk, I really can't think right now, so that's going to be all I think.

If you ever want to know anything at all, then all you have to do is ask me. If I know I can trust you, then I will hide nothing from you. But trust me, if you don't ask the question, you're not just going to get that information. I love answering questions, and asking em. lol. No idea why.

I AM: One of the best people you will ever meet, period.
I STAND FOR: Fairness above all else, and an equal chance for every person to make the difference in the world that they are capable of.
I HOPE: That I will accomplish all the long term and short term goals that I have set for myself. I'm going to raise myself above the crowd and bring all those I love and care about with me.

A simple wish...

(This may be a rant...)

One of the most important people in my entire life, was, and still is, my Grandfather Fred. He was always around for us when we were little, the best babysitter in the world quite frankly(excuse the pun). Anyway, he thought us, me especially, ideals that helped shape me into who I am today. I loved that man to death, regardless of my intial reaction at his death, which I still see as odd to this day. But anyway, my point is that he helped me, through his life and his death, to become the person I am today. My mom has told me I remind her of him a hundred times over, and my uncle has made mention of it as well. I think it's just an extra perk that if you look at a picture of him in his youth, the resemblence is uncanny.

But the real thing I want to get out there is that I see myself as his pupil in a sense. His ideals were passed to me and help guide me through life, and in the same way, I hope that I will be able to guide yet another child of this bloodline, my cousin Maddix.

I am with this kid so often that 'babysitter' hardly justifies it. I'm not afraid to say that I love this little kid to death, and would gladly fuck up anybody who tried to even scare him. My wish is simple, and yet difficult all at the same time. I wish that I will be able to pass on to him my ideals, and to influence him in the way that my Grandfather influenced me. Now, not to talk grimly, I hope I don't have to die to have quite the same effect, but I would do anything for this little dood. lol

A sudden Realization.

I've been told a hundred different times that I should stop messing around with random girls, and I'm starting to see the truth in it. Now, in my defense, there really aren't that many girls that fit this description that I've messed around with, but "too many" is still a fitting number. I realize that I'm tired of dealing with the repetitive sneaking about. At no point should I have become talented at this...game. I always end up walking that thin line that borders on the edge of getting caught. I know how to say things without speaking anymore, make stories seem completely legit through a complicated web of lies, and I'm tried of it.

But you see, there's always a catch. What I'm doing here is taking whatever lands in my lap. Whenever I like a girl, like truly have feelings for them, it doesn't work out. There's this one girl that I'd liked for the longest time, but I realized, not all that long ago, that it's never going to turn into anything. It's these results that leave me back at square one. I plan on getting rid of this cycle, but sadly, I seem to be stuck here for a while